Shidduchim:
The Gemara in Sotah 2a tells us "Rav Shmuel Ben Rav Yitzchak said that when Raish Lakish would start learning Sotah he would say 'A man is only paired with a woman based on his actions because the pasuk says (Tehillim 125:3) 'The shevet of a Rasha will not be placed with the lot of the tzadik.'' Rabba Bar Bar Chana said in the name of Rav Yochanan 'Setting up pairs is as hard as Splitting the Yam Suf'... but don't we also know that rav Yehuda said in the name of Rav 'forty days before the fetus comes out a bat kol comes out and says 'the daughter of Ploni to Ploni, house Ploni to Ploni, field Ploni to Ploni.' This is not a contradiction this one [the second barita] by the first pair this one [the first barita] by the second pair."
Rashi explains this gemara as follows: A modest woman will be set up with a tzaddik and an immodest woman with a Rasha... Setting up pairs is as hard for Hashem as splitting the sea in that He must change the Seder Berieshit (the way of creation). If an angel announces who someone will marry 40 days before the fetus comes out then we know from Niddah 16b that a person can become a Tzaddik or a Rasha by his own free will, so how can we say that a Rasha will marry an immodest woman while a tzaddik marries a modest woman? The answer is that when we are talking about the bat kol that is when a person marries the person who is according to their mazal, but the time that is difficult for Hashem is when the person is chosen according to the person's actions it is hard because this is not a person's pair.
Tosfot explain that the Gemara in Moed Katan on 18b that says "Shmuel says that a person can get engaged to a woman on Chol Hamoed because maybe someone else will come and marry her first. This seems to be a contradiction with our second barita. Tosfot answer that this gemara must be talking about a second pair.
Also, Tosfot explains that the bat kol comes out 40 days before the birth of the boy whether or not the girl has been born yet.
We see from here that it is possible for a person not to marry their bashert. The Steipler says that a person can actually lose their bashert by saying no to a shidduch for no reason. Also, we learn from here that a person's perfect match can change constantly. If a person begins to act differently then it is possible that they will not marry the person they are meant to marry. This is what makes shidduchim so hard for Hashem, at any moment He must literally change the world because one person changed his middot. This also means that a person will marry someone who is perfect for him/her when they meet.
This teaches us a very important lesson. If we want to make sure that we marry a good spouse the work does not start when we start dating, it started way before that, how else will we be ready to meet our spouse if we have not fixed our middot yet?
In this week's parsha Eliezer makes a shidduch between Rivkah and Yitzchak. Eliezer's one requirement for a spouse for Yitzchak was that she be filled with Chessed (kindness). The reason explained by the Meshech Chachama is a kabbalistic reason. Since Yitzchak was Gevurah (strength)/Din (judgement) he needed someone who was Chessed so that he could have Yaakov who was Emet (truth)/ Tiferet (beauty). This shows Eliezer knew that the perfect match for Yitzchak was a woman who was able to balance his Din. Now Eliezer's test makes perfect sense. He was looking for a girl who was so full of chessed that she would give water to several camels and not even think of asking for a reward.
The Vilna Goan asks, why did Eliezer wait to give Rivkah the gifts until after she gave water to all of the camels? He answers because Eliezer waited until after she gave them all water to see if she would expect anything in return. It was only once she started to walk home that Eliezer knew she was the right one.
This also is another explanation for the pasuk by Adam and Chavah (2:20) "A helper against him." It means that Hashem makes each husband and wife to match exactly what the other one needs to help them grow closer to each other and Hashem, whether this growth is achieved through reinforcement or through being their spouse's biggest critic.
May all those who are looking for their zivug be successful and may those who have already found theirs continue to grow closer to each other and to Hashem.
Have a good shabbat!
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